The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
You Might Also Like
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
Finished stitching this today 😇
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
“I FIXED IT!”
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.