I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
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When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Just how popey was the pope today?
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!