Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
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me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.