It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
You Might Also Like
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
Fight
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
Dead sexy!!
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk