Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
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“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Had an epiphany today.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.