Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
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“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
The pasta is now
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…