Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
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Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.