My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
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There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie: