Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
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A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.