[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
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Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
what are they serving at kfc then???
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
i did the math
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats