I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
You Might Also Like
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.