American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
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Why is no one talking about this?!
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that