“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
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The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
Pizza is an emotion right?
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal