*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
You Might Also Like
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough