I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
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Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Seems a bit forward
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.