Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
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With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death