Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
You Might Also Like
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
Meowchelangelo
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
Oops
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.