Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
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Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
how to exercise your calf muscles
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*