I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
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If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
He took my last fry, your honor
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
The Sun’s probably Asian.