Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
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Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.