He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
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When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.