Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
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I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.