I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
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Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.