Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
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Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.