Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
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I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
What the hell happened in there??
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.