Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
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ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Things will get butter, keep churning
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.