How animals would run if they were human
You Might Also Like
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
Cheers Twitter.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?