Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
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[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*