Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
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My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.