[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
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You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Eggs benadryl my favourite
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.