What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
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3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.