Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
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If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.