when revenge coincides with naptime
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Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth