Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
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Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?