You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
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most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.