Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
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Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
[loses house key, starts a new life]
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.