ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
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*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Dyslexics are teople poo!
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said