My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
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Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
Happens to everyone.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
constantly working on myself.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?