INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
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I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries