Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
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My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
🍛
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*