“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
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“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
Some people were born into their job.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*