Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
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Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
me, too, girl. me, too.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Cashiers are always checking me out
Cheer up.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*