“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
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Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.