Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
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“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
the best thing i’ve ever made
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight