professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
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FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
I identify as an antique shop.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight