The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
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I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
Weirdos gonna weird.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing