How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
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*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.