[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
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[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
It’s a gift
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.