My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
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Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
the battle rages on
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.