Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
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me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
being too stressed isn’t good for the baby.
i’m not pregnant though, its just that i’m the baby
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids